Prudence I Write

Don’t you just hate it that, when you are a spinster (or a bachelor), you seem utterly surrounded by sweet, mushy couples, holding hands, kissing, or just plain embracing, and you are reminded your past relationships, wondering what you did wrong?  And when you are involved in a relationship, it would seem that you are surrounded from all sides by single people, threatening to snatch your loved one away from you?  Does it sometimes feel that the Powers that Be up there aren’t just too happy seeing you all so comfortable in life, problem-free for 3 seconds or less, that they’d think of someway fast to just dampen your day?  Darn, this life sucks.  Sometimes I feel my purpose of my existence on this Earth is to make the beautiful, carefree people of the world feel lucky.  Should I feel proud of that?  Should it be any consolation that without a person like me, all those beautiful, carefree people would be just average Joes and Janes?  Maybe the Powers that Be are laughing out there right now because of the misery I’m in.  I’ll bet they’re cooking up new ways to ruin my life.  And, of course, I wouldn’t be able to do anything about that.  They’ve got the Powers!  But what I can do is make it as drab as I possibly can.  I won’t let them be so entertained because of me.  So tomorrow I’ll sleep the whole day and night or do nothing really worthy.  I’ll numb myself.  Yes, there were nights full of tears.  But every teardrop I shed will just bring smiles to their smug faces. 

I’ll be numb.  I’ll make myself brain dead.  I will not love anymore.    

Can I just cry today? Tomorrow? Or until such time all the pain goes away?
I don’t know what to do anymore.  I don’t know what to think.
I wanted so much to follow my heart’s desire.  But to do so would be to feed
     the endless cycle of yielding with no purpose.

So I follow logic.
I have to know.
And so I wait…

Today again I am a failure. 

I just bought a new Globe sim card because my Smart postpaid is about to expire in October.  And since most of my friends were Globe subscribers, switching to Globe would be a smart thing to do.  But even before I bought that sim card, I thought to myself that I would not immediately inform HIM of my new number; that I would not be so excited to let him know that we would be sharing the same cellular network.  I promised myself that I would treat him like any other close friends that I have: post my number on the bulletin board and wait for them to update their phonebooks on their own or wait for them to message me on my old sim and then inform them about my new globe number.

But I was weak.

First person that I spent my new Globe credits on was HIM.  And I don’t think he was as nearly excited or pleased as I am about having switched.

Then suddenly I realized probably the reason why I am so battered by so many failures and disappointments in life is that I make myself expect too much.  Though I would always claim that I am the perpetual pessimistic, I gradually realized that, in fact, I am, deep down inside, an optimist.  But, unfortunately, I am not destined for such good things in life.  And that’s why I am hurt always.  Though I think of myself as immune to such kind of pain already, each disappointment…each failure…seems to strike me a death blow.  I must have a thousand lives at my disposal…but all of it I would willingly give up for a chance of happiness.

But right now, I doubt that chance would be there for me.

So I guess, the right thing to do now would be to renew my pledge…my pledge to forget my love for HIM…this friend…this guy whose flaws make him so much perfect.  He is another reminder of a lesson I should have learned by now: Never fall in love with a friend because the pain of such a love slighted would be a mortal blow. 

I want to cry so much.  I hope someone comes soon. 

But nobody came. 

Nobody dared.

Nobody cared.

I got pretty touched by this painting.  It reflects, in one way, the feelings I have been having recently…endless tears in a boxful of misery.

Will I ever be truly happy again?

"To love but be unloved is quite a misery;
Teardrops I shed, an ambrosia to the gods
As I die with poison shot from Cupid’s bow."

Ang cute ng doggie ko noh?!  Hehehe

Hindi nga lang pinapansin ni Moe and ni Sungit (a.k.a. Snob).  By the way, they are cats.  II renamed Snob to Sungit because he is not snobbish anymore…more of masungit na, as in super! 

These are Moe (left hand corner) and Sungit (right hand corner).  What were they fighting about?  Moe got so incensed that I picked up Sungit first before him hehehe.  ‘Yun lang ‘yon.  He can be pretty jealous (Why am I a magnet for very jealous people…or a cat, for that matter?).

Waiting out in the dampening rain,
Drenched from head to foot,
I hope someone comes soon.

To console
sympathize
give himself
I hope someone comes to rescue me from this rain.

But nobody came
Nobody dared.
Nobody cared.

With hands in cold empty pockets
I looked up with wet eyes
Up into heaven.
Hoping to see,
Hoping to take a peek
At what happens in Heaven.

Did He heard my prayers?
Does he have a plan?
A time to answer, too?

I failed though.

Blinded by the rain.

My feet as I looked down
Were the color of brown,
Earthly brown.

But I sighed in relief
To find my head still on my shoulders.

But nobody came.
Nobody dared.
Nobody cared.

I guess it’s too much of a bad day.
And so I waited as always,
drenched by the dampening rain.

Angry
Lonely
Still whistling my rusty tune

Nobody came.
Nobody dared.
Nobody cared.

Fine by me if you want to be alone
I shall not remain your pawn

I am tired of begging
I am tired of you turning me down

I may not be one of His favorites
Like ‘em ones that you are keen on

Mere pounds of celebrity skin

That’s what they are
They never are what you needed

Fuck your lame excuses!
Your fear of loving and all that shit

Lies!

If you don’t want me, boot me out!
If you don’t dig me, don’t play sweet with me!

Make up your mind!

Take me or Leave me!

Leave me to this lonely state you found me
Don’t play sweet with me no more

But why can’t you just love me for me?

I hope
And hope
Someday you’d feel how it means to be unloved by the one you love

I hope
And hope…

How I wish I could just teach myself not to love anymore
But rather, live and live only
Live as I am expected to
For hoping for what I think is meant for me
Has scarred me over and over…

Stop!

But I have to get it out of my system…just this once…

"Mahal kita.  ‘Tang ina…ang manhid mo!!!!" 

it reverberates. it echoes.
Empty echoes.

And so I’m still here.  All alone as usual.
I dream of the moon shining brightly in a star-filled sky
It’s radiance trying to penetrate through a veil of thin dark clouds
And I, floating amidst the black waters
Waiting for death.
Waiting for death.

I Die But I Shall Rise From the Ashes…

You must have noticed a significant change in most places in the site.  I’m experiencing one of the most pivotal moments of my life.  Though it may not be physically visible, but I can feel it in my entire self.

To most people I appear happy, contented, fat, carefree girl.  I went to school, socialized, talked, and lived like most people would expect me to.  But such a life is a misery.  The society claims that it trains us from the very beginning to strive for perfection.  However, I don’t see it as such.  The world today is one big fraternity: You must fit in our ways or die out in the cold.   Most of the time I bear the consequences of trying in vain to fit in.  Thus, the birth of another side of me…the darker side.  The Unconventional One.  The Questioning One.  The Daring One.  The Unloved One.  The Lonely One.

For years I have fought with my own self, confused of who I am really.   One trying to push down the other, the Other trying to resurface and put the One to submission.

But now, the question of who am I is not a dilemma anymore. 

Because now I choose to be the One and the Other.

There is one thing that I learned today that I probably knew before already but I just chose to forget:  Never believe a word that a drunk guy says, especially when he says he was telling the truth. 

Suddenly there were flashbacks of memories in a bar, filled with smoke and the pleasant smell of beer and wine, with my love just right across the table from me, the fast thumping of the heart inside my chest as I thought I heard the best thing in my life back then…of being in emotional high for the span of one hour…of a phone conversation that crushed all my hopes and perhaps left me almost dry of tears. 

And then there was another bar, more dimly lit except for the stage upfront.  Still there was the smell of beer, but of the different kind.  The warmth of his shoulders.  The twinkling of glass.  A spark of hope. 

But I should not have hoped anymore. 

Funny he said he’d always be there to make me laugh.  Yet now, as before, I cry because of him.

I shall mourn again for the death of another love that could have been.  And he won’t even know.

(but as if he cares)

Life goes on.