Prudence I Write

MAHIRAP MAGHINTAY SA WALA…
…that is according to one of the text messages I received today. 

Sigh.

He hasn’t been texting for quite sometime.  Is he just busy?  With what?  With whom? 

So many questions.  Yet the answers are so few.

Sigh (again).

I hate to admit it.  I kind of miss him.  (Too bad he just ain’t
feeling it.  Damn, I don’t think he knows how to feel.  He’s so
dense…)

…it’s like "Ano ba, ilang beses na ako nag-po-post dito hindi pa din n’ya nababasa?!?!  Geesh!  OR IS IT JUST BECAUSE HE’S SO DENSE HE DOESN’T EVEN REALIZE I’M TALKING ABOUT HIM?!?!""

As in bright colors na ha indi pa din nababasa…hay naku…

I WANTED TO BE ANGRY AT HIM!  But I just can’t.  Not anymore.  It’s useless because my being angry doesn’t affect him in any way.  It’s as if my feelings are totally insignificant. 

Okay fine.  He wanted to be with another person on his special day.  Fine.  Just fine.  I’m starting to think something fishy is going on.  I’m feeling so bad.  I felt I’ve been passed over.  Like I’m an insignificant person that he would rather be with somebody else than me.  I don’t hate him.  Instead, I hate myself.  I just never really learn…

Maybe I should give HIM a name already.  It’s starting to get really confusing.

Okay…what about NARCISSUS?  I think that would really suit him fine.

*   *   *   *   *   *
Sam of Pinoy Big Brother suddenly realized that he’s got some special feelings for the recently evicted Chix.  And now he’s missing her.

How I wish Narcissus would feel the same way when I’ll be gone…

But problem is I just can’t leave him.  Or at least be not present in his life for a long time.  Not texting or talking to him for a day really makes me feel sad.  Ohhhhhh…this is so bad.  So bad.  Bad for me because I’m letting myself be the doormat again.

Not the monotonous ho-hum day that I usually have. 

I started the day as late as usual. I just love the thought that the sun, though
it may be at its zenith, has nowhere else to go but nadir. After my morning rituals, I munched on my
favorite wheat bread and spooned to myself a dollop of cottage cheese…breakfast
of the struggling dieter (at 12 noon?!?!).   

Minutes later, my dad came home with the news that he had
received “The Money” from my uncle in Texas already. “The Money” that pertains to many things for
us recently: “The Money” for paying the electric and cable TV bills; “The Money”
for our grocery; “The Money” for augmenting the dwindling family monetary
resources. In short, “The Money” to pay
our daily living expenses.

But still I wonder which of these he was pertaining to.

The USMLE money, he said.

Oh, so it’s here, I thought. I guess I better start really cranking.

For the past few weeks, I’ve managed to make myself move my
butt and do some reviewing for the first part of USMLE. But somehow the thought of being unsure
whether it would really happen or not makes me unfocused. And so, I’d just get my butt back to the computer
chair and do some blogging (like what I’m doing now).

But not today. 

Earlier, instead of blogging, I finished the rest of the
online application, which took quite a while since there were so many items to
be accomplished. Then, tomorrow, I
should be going back to my school to have the documents signed by the proper
officials. Hell, it feels wonderful to
finally have something productive get done.

However, I felt wound up when my dad started reciting his
litany again: I paid your medical school with loaned money from friends and
relatives…your USMLE is paid with loaned money too…you have to get good scores…I’m
not going to pay for all of those anymore…you will be the one responsible
repaying your uncle’s kindness…

Please just get off my back, Daddy. As if I needed more reminding. I DON’T WANT HEARING THAT OVER AND OVER AGAIN
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW WHAT? I JUST CAN’T PUT
MY ENTIRE MIND ON STUDYING IF I HEAR THOSE BUZZING ALL OVER MY HEAD!  

And the ringing in my ears started again. It’s one of those times when even the hushed
voice of my mother gives excruciating pain. Add to that the racket of screaming girls on MTV clamoring for their
favorite pop star. Suddenly I felt humidity
and hotness creeping up to my neck. It’s
not a welcome feeling. It almost felt
like my heart was burning.

I snapped at my Dad. And he snapped back by banging the door closed to my face. 

Yeah, I know it was bad to snap at him like that. But I can’t help it.  There is too much pressure in my head already
and he wasn’t helping at all. And hearing
that litany for the umpteenth time, I just boiled over.

Earlier I was feeling oh so superior. No, I won’t say I was sorry for what I have
done because I wasn’t. And not just
because he is Daddy would he always be right. It’s because of him and his bad decisions that got us to this financial
conundrum. This time I was right. I was so right.

But, honestly, right now, I’m feeling really, really
bad. 

I may be right (or really I am wrong)…but still he is Daddy,
the patriarch. He may have had bad
choices made in the past. But, hell, who
doesn’t make wrong decisions? He is just
human being after all. And I think I’d
rather have Daddy’s love and happiness than the chance of being right for once.

We haven’t talked…yet. Well, I asked him once if he is still mad at me. He said he wasn’t. But his face tells me otherwise.

Tomorrow I’ll try to win him back. I know he won’t really be able to stay mad at
me for very long. But, still, something
has to be done… 

Mood:  Crestfallen; sometimes dispirited; tormented by a splitting headache
Music:  Tell Me Where It Hurts by M.Y.M.P

Text quote for the day:  "I’ve realized that life is indeed full of contradictions.  Sometimes it’s crazy to be sane.  You need to fall to fly.  People suffer because you care.  You have to unlearn to know the lesson.  You have to give up because you are strong.  You have to be wrong to make things right.  Nonetheless, life’s complexities are also life’s source of beauty.  We should cry to laugh again.  Fall apart to be whole again.  And get hurt to love again."

My reaction:  THAT IS SO DAMN BULLSHIT! HAVEN’T I BEEN HURT ENOUGH ALREADY?  IF LIFE IS LIKE A WHEEL,  THEN MINE’S A FLAT TIRE. 

*  *  *  *  *

Question:  If I’m a girl, can I get a gay guy fall in love with me?  Or should I become a hard butch first before he notices me?

*  *  *  *  *

Naiinis ako kapag…

…habang naglalakad, sa harapan ay may isang grupo ng taong (halimbawa, 3 o 4 na magaganda pero maaarteng kolehiyala) naglalakad ng slow motion habang okupado nila ang buong corridor.  ("Huwag n’yong ipagmalaking mga payat kayo dahil katulad ko din kayong umookupa ng espasyo.  ‘Hoy, hindi ninyo pag-aari ang corridor!"). 
…may nakikitang nanay na magbibitbit ng maliliit na mga bata para sumakay sa LRT sa panahong napakaraming tao’t nagsisiksikan sa loob na parang mga sardinas at pagkatapos ay magrereklamo na ‘wag sumiksik dahil naiipit ang mga anak niya.  (‘Misis, sentido common po ninyo ay nasaan?  Sana ay nag-jeep na lang kayo.’)
…matapos magtanong sa saleslady kung meron sa kanyang mga paninda ‘yung hinahanap ko ay sasabihin niyang wala ng ganun pero pagkatapos ng kaunting paghahanap sa istante ay makikita kong kay dami-dami pa palang stock.  ("Miss, eh, ano’ng tawag mo dito?") 
…sinasabihan ng "bakit wala ka pang boyfriend?" o "paano ka magkakaasawa kung hindi ka magpapapayat?" ng paulit-ulit ("Tama na  ang isang beses.  Nakakarinig naman ako…") ng mga kakilala’t kamag-anak tuwing may reunion o party.  ("’Di bale na pong hindi makapagpakasal kaysa naman magkaasawa akong katulad at kamukha ninyo.  Parang kay guwapo/ganda/sexy ninyo ah kung makapagsalita…").

Ipagpapatuloy…

Got a lot of thoughts running around my head…I hear buzzing all day long and yet, here I am, writing naught.  Feeling a bit disorganized lately.  Can’t keep up with my review schedule.  Just wanted to listen to Dream Theater, Sarah Mclachlan, Kitchie Nadal, and MYMP every minute today (and probably until tomorrow). 

Wait, just have to pull out a thought here…a silvery one.  Dropping it on the Pensive…

Others will call this laziness.  But, really, this is deep thinking.  I believe Garfield would have said that.

Sometimes it’s just great to do nothing.  Just to relax, and think of random thoughts.  Laugh all by myself like a lunatic.  Sing my favorite songs with no thought if I’m hitting the right notes.  And dream.  Dream.  Dream.  Dream.

There is no stopping Time.  Hell, it will not stop for anyone.  (Well, perhaps only for God, wherever he may be…whether He is Time Himself or all together a different being…or whether He is bigger than Time…). 

How I wish Time would stop for a little while…or slow down a bit (but then maybe it would mean Constantine made a house call in Hell again.   Tut, tut.).  Just enough for the moment to fantasize about the delicious things I want to do:  be in a skimpy bathing suit working as a PR person in a funky beach resort, driving fast in a convertible during sunset , play a hauntingly sad piano in a lonely mansion, sleep the entire day away and be up all night bar hopping…(C’mon, where’s my O2?  Damn, smoker or not, everybody can develop lung cancer.  So, fuck off give me my O2…)

Aaaaahhhh…not all the best things in life are free.  But at least I get to dream.

Silence is a Mirror,
a wakeful mind in the night.

A vast desert of skeletons,
with wind that blows whiffs
of bone dust and core.

Of the Mirror, many
are afraid;
afraid of the darkness
whose hand claws, clutches
at their heads,
pulling them to peer into
the Mirror they do not want to see;
not to gaze at winged creatures
they were taught to hide;

terrified of their own nakedness;
the wild knowing in their eyes.

the symphony of crows in their voices,
the blood and dirt of their hands,
the smell of leather and bone,
the coarseness of crushed skulls
grinning underneath their feet.

See no evil.
Hear no evil.
Speak no evil.

And many were afraid,
of the Mirror.

And they prayed for sandstorms
that will cover with Earth
the Mirror they are afraid of,
and take them up
to the bright firmament of forgetfulness
called Reality.

I know I’ve already posted an entry today (I usually limit myself to one entry per day).  But I just found these mp3s of DREAM THEATER!!!!!!  It was just several days ago when I have to throw out my cassette tapes of Dream Theater because they won’t play anymore and I’m wondering when I could buy CDs when I don’t have a job yet.

Grabe!  Naknamputsa!  DREAM THEATER
rOcKs!!!!!!

This is the cover of their album, Falling Into Infinity, my most favorite amongst their fabulous, Rock-hard albums. 

Right now, I’m drowning myself in ecstasy, listening to "You Not Me".

days of late found me
in no cheerful spirits,
as the world blooms
with their clasped hands,
the warmth emanating
from each other’s eyes
and smiles that embrace one another.

my hands had only
a bulge of unsightly flesh
of my unlovely vessel.

i swallow myself
whole.
my inside felt sick
with the dirty insult.
i tried to belch it all
but nothing came out.
it stayed in
this hateful thing.
my bulge of unsightly flesh.

those clasped hands
shall enclose my heart
cold.
the warmth shall burn
me,
flame my pity
of self.
their smiles shall take away
my life with wretchedness,
as i drown in
my pool of unwanted slick,
inside and out.

the pen that used to write
has plenty of ink
but cannot write;

the paper where words used to dwell
lazily, on its bed, lies
unoccupied;

poised over the paper
is the pen,
as if to say:
"Mark my words!"
but leaks only a smudge of trash,
some scratches that won’t match.

"can’t you do anything good?"
said the paper to the pen;

the Master is watching,
thinking,
he is feeling.

the paper got thrown out;
the pen left to leak to hollowness.

their Master walked away,
his occupation already gone.

Mood:  Despondent
Music:  The Everlasting Gaze by Smashing Pumpkins

Text Quote for the Day:  TAnong ko lang…mali ba ang magmahal?  Kasi nagawa ko ng lahat para sa kanya, sinaktan n’ya pa rin ako pero naisip ko na lang…hindi pala mali ang magmahal…Nagkamali lang ako ng minahal…

I forwarded this text message to him.  He replied, "Is this text about _____ ?" (mentioning some other guys’ name).

The nerve!  He is a dumdum.  He can’t even figure out that it was him.  Haha.  I guess he’ll always be like that…insensitive.  Good luck.  Why do I like this guy anyway?