For the Love of Daddy
Not the monotonous ho-hum day that I usually have.
I started the day as late as usual. I just love the thought that the sun, though
it may be at its zenith, has nowhere else to go but nadir. After my morning rituals, I munched on my
favorite wheat bread and spooned to myself a dollop of cottage cheese…breakfast
of the struggling dieter (at 12 noon?!?!).
Minutes later, my dad came home with the news that he had
received “The Money” from my uncle in Texas already. “The Money” that pertains to many things for
us recently: “The Money” for paying the electric and cable TV bills; “The Money”
for our grocery; “The Money” for augmenting the dwindling family monetary
resources. In short, “The Money” to pay
our daily living expenses.
But still I wonder which of these he was pertaining to.
The USMLE money, he said.
Oh, so it’s here, I thought. I guess I better start really cranking.
For the past few weeks, I’ve managed to make myself move my
butt and do some reviewing for the first part of USMLE. But somehow the thought of being unsure
whether it would really happen or not makes me unfocused. And so, I’d just get my butt back to the computer
chair and do some blogging (like what I’m doing now).
But not today.
Earlier, instead of blogging, I finished the rest of the
online application, which took quite a while since there were so many items to
be accomplished. Then, tomorrow, I
should be going back to my school to have the documents signed by the proper
officials. Hell, it feels wonderful to
finally have something productive get done.
However, I felt wound up when my dad started reciting his
litany again: I paid your medical school with loaned money from friends and
relatives…your USMLE is paid with loaned money too…you have to get good scores…I’m
not going to pay for all of those anymore…you will be the one responsible
repaying your uncle’s kindness…
Please just get off my back, Daddy. As if I needed more reminding. I DON’T WANT HEARING THAT OVER AND OVER AGAIN
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW WHAT? I JUST CAN’T PUT
MY ENTIRE MIND ON STUDYING IF I HEAR THOSE BUZZING ALL OVER MY HEAD!
And the ringing in my ears started again. It’s one of those times when even the hushed
voice of my mother gives excruciating pain. Add to that the racket of screaming girls on MTV clamoring for their
favorite pop star. Suddenly I felt humidity
and hotness creeping up to my neck. It’s
not a welcome feeling. It almost felt
like my heart was burning.
I snapped at my Dad. And he snapped back by banging the door closed to my face.
Yeah, I know it was bad to snap at him like that. But I can’t help it. There is too much pressure in my head already
and he wasn’t helping at all. And hearing
that litany for the umpteenth time, I just boiled over.
Earlier I was feeling oh so superior. No, I won’t say I was sorry for what I have
done because I wasn’t. And not just
because he is Daddy would he always be right. It’s because of him and his bad decisions that got us to this financial
conundrum. This time I was right. I was so right.
But, honestly, right now, I’m feeling really, really
bad.
I may be right (or really I am wrong)…but still he is Daddy,
the patriarch. He may have had bad
choices made in the past. But, hell, who
doesn’t make wrong decisions? He is just
human being after all. And I think I’d
rather have Daddy’s love and happiness than the chance of being right for once.
We haven’t talked…yet. Well, I asked him once if he is still mad at me. He said he wasn’t. But his face tells me otherwise.
Tomorrow I’ll try to win him back. I know he won’t really be able to stay mad at
me for very long. But, still, something
has to be done…
