Prudence I Write

I think for the past few months I’ve poured my heart out about my
failed past relationships. But I haven’t elaborated much about what
they did hurt me. I feared that it might prove to be a mistake having
to discuss such sensitive issues. But these men never cared, I guess.
And too guilty perhaps to face me, after all they’ve done. And so, now,
I’ll write down how much hurt they have inflicted on me, though I hate
to admit that it affected me so.

The Gay, Spineless Ex-Beau

I
thought my relationship with him was going to be perfect. A bachelor
that is highly educated (a doctor, to be more specific), from a good
family, and a long-time friend…sounds like the kind of guy you
wouldn’t be worried introducing to your parents and friends, isn’t? And
when I did introduce him to my parents and friends, no objections were
heard. They knew him already because he’s a classmate in medical
school. He looks more than presentable. He’s well-mannered and polite.
He’s starting his own career. And I love him. What more could I ask
for?

Starting as friends, I thought we would do okay by taking
the relationship to the next level. And in the beginning, it looked
promising. There were even some moments of expressing wishes to settle
down and start a family. We talked of the house we wanted, the
lifestyle we want for our own, that we wanted to have kids. When he
told me that he want to spent his lifetime with me, I was thrilled
because I felt the same way, too. It’s just almost perfect.

But
as more monthsaries passed, I felt that there was something missing in
our relationship. Yeah, I know he’s been good to me. And the warmth was
there. But not warm enough to be called passion. I thought we were just
taking it slow. I discussed it with him and that’s what he told me. So
I waited. If we were going to make this relationship last, I want to do
it the right way. And so I loved him, stayed loyal and faithful to him.

But somehow, I still don’t feel right. I think I felt the tinge
of this "wrongness" in our kiss. I talked about it with him and during
one of these talks, he spilled out that he wasn’t really sexually
attracted to me. He said I should have known since, before we started
our relationship, he’s already admitted to having homosexual relations
in the past.

But wait, what did he think we were going to do when we started our relationship?  Be platonic with one another?!?!

I
was starting to feel miserable. A boyfriend who doesn’t feel sexually
attracted to me? Boy, that was something new for me. I didn’t have that
kind of problem in any of my boyfriends before. And it was the kind of
problem that I cannot solve. I started feeling the coming of the
inevitable.

I waited if he’ll console me of this miserableness.
But he never did anything. He went out of town with his best buddy and
did not send messages or call, even if I did tell him that I was up to
my neck with problems and I needed him. When he did call, he just said
that I should just give him time and not bother him. That really pissed
me off. And then I talked with one of our friends (also his ex-bf)
about it and then he told me something I should know. My bf had not
been faithful to me. He had had sexual adventures with guys, some whom
he just met at the MRT or at the gay bars that he and his gay friends
often frequented.

That was the last straw. There he was,
horsing around, while I am keeping myself faithful to him, when there
are lots of temptations around me. All these after being told that he
wasn’t sexually attracted to me!

I broke up with him via text
message. He did not even call. All he said was that he was sorry for
what he had done and that he just can’t love me the way I wanted him to
and that he just loved me as a friend.

I was so darn mad.  I called him names and soon, we were fighting via SMS.

After
several days, I was okay. My anger had dissipated somewhat (though not
completely) and I asked him that we should, at least, meet for closure.
He never plainly declined or accepted it. He just asked that I give him
more time (which I think he didn’t quite deserve since I was the one he
hurt and not the other way around). Still, I told him that I forgave
him for what he had done and I wanted to be friends again, try to pick
up where we left off when we were close friends. He said he would like
to do that too. But we were never able to settle all those hurts that
had caused our relationship to end.

Then recently I heard from
one of our friends that he was mad at me for that plot his friends and
I concocted so that we could talk. It was planned that I’ll go to
Starbucks Coffee Shop where his friends were reviewing so that I could
surprise him for being there, when he comes up to get his videocam from
them. My mistake was that I told his other friend about this plan and
this other friend forwarded all my messages to him. We were not able to
talk, as was planned.

But he still take this against me?
Hello?! Just consider all those pains he caused me. The "pain" I
inflicted him with that plan wasn’t even a tithe of the pain he caused
me. I really don’t understand why he can’t be friends with me when I,
whom he had hurt so much, had decided that I wanted to be friends
again. It’s just so weird that he should be the most affected when he’s
the one who committed the crime.

But as his friend told me, he’s still got emotional baggages.

The Smooth-Talking Filth

Here’s
another relationship which I thought would be my last. From the start,
he expressed his wish for a serious relationship with me. He talked
about marrying me, having kids with me, and wanting to stay in the US.
He exerted all efforts to be close to my parents. I got all swept up in
this whirlwind he’s created.

He went to the US this last July
for a venture related to the airline he’s just started. He stayed there
for 3 months and we talked on the phone and chatted at Gmail and Yahoo!
whenever we’ve got time. He so repeatedly told me how much he missed me
and how he’s looking forward to getting home so he could be with me.

Then,
he came home last October 17. I went to his condo last October 19,
before he went home to Bicol for a family reunion (he said). I never
questioned it. So off he went to Bicol. But I never got a phone call or
text message from him again. I thought it was just because the phone
lines were down in Bicol due to the previous typhoon Milenyo. But my
dad commented that he’s got a friend in Bicol whom he received text
messages frequently. I’m suddenly having doubts. But I kept faith.

Then
came November 5. He was supposed to come back to Makati and when I
called him on his cellphone, he finally answered. But he wasn’t in
Makati. He’s still in Bicol. I asked him why he wasn’t calling or
texting me. Then hurriedly he told me that he’ll just call me again and
put down the phone. He never called back again.

I was really
pissed and sent him a barrage of angry SMS texts. He never replied to
any of it until I gave him the ultimatum: if he doesn’t reply or text,
I’m going to break up with him. Several minutes after sending that
message, he called and said he was sorry and that he was just having
some legal problems involving his siblings and that the signal for
Suncellular was bad in his area. I believed in him and so, I forgave
him.

Then, night of November 14 came. It was 10 0′clock at night
and I decided to call him because I haven’t heard from him for a long
while. A woman answered and I asked her who she is. She answered, "I’m
Mike’s fiancee." I could hear Mike’s voice in the background. I
demanded to talk to him. When he answered, I asked who the woman I
spoke in the phone with is. He said, "my fiancee." And then the call
was cut. But I seriously believe he cut the call.

I never received a call from him again.  Not even a reply to the angry SMS texts I sent him.

Asshole.

I
can’t believe he led me to think that I’m his fiancee. I can’t believe
that he’ll just end the relationship that way, just telling me that the
woman who answered his phone is his fiancee. No explanations whatsoever.

Alone and Used Up

It’s
been hard talking about these lowlifes again.  I hate them for not
letting me vent my anger on them.  They are cowards because they cannot
face the wrath that they so fully deserve from me. 

For those who ask, these men are the reasons why I’ve been feeling so
distrustful of men lately. All men seem to thrive on cheating on their
women, as if feeling more manly having done it.

My friend told
me not to feel that way. Rather, I should just use the time I have now
for healing myself, making myself whole again so I would be ready for
the next relationship. But I’m suddenly feeling so tired, so used up.
And with someone knocking on my door again, I just hope that, if he’s
the right guy or if he’s the worthy one, he’d be able to wait for the
time that I’d be whole and be ready to let him in myself.

(Actually, this is also an answer to a tag by my friend AJ.
Sorry, friend, I’ve to make it thirteen so I could also post it as my
T13. Hehe. The items in this list are in no particular order. And these
are just some of the things that I’d do before I die. It’s been
difficult for me to choose just 13 things because, I know, there are
still lots of stuff that I want to do, which means I’m not thinking of
wanting to die anytime soon.)

Learn some of the world’s languages (Spanish, French, Japanese, Latin, Greek, etc.)

I
feel attracted to the sounds of Spanish, French, and Japanese words.
For me, these are beautiful languages. And, of course, the cultures are
interesting too. And what’s more effective tool in studying the
cultures of the Spaniards, the French, and the Japanese than having a
good command of their spoken and written languages? I wanted to study
Latin and Greek because I wanted to study ancient documents and have a
glimpse of how the world was thousands of years ago.

Write a bestseller

Of
course, all aspiring writers dream of this. I don’t have any idea,
though, of what could be a good subject for a bestseller. It could be
anything, right? There isn’t a single formula for it. Maybe just
something about a person and his search for his God, only to find out
in the end that he’s actually only searching for his own self. Or does
that sound too cliche? Really, I don’t know what I’ll write. It could
be about anything. Hopefully, my muse, Hope, will furnish me with an
idea that could be like striking light to a match and a match striking
light to a series of fireworks and those fireworks shall amaze the
whole world. Hopefully.

Visit the Louvre

Louvre
is the Paris art museum home to the world’s most prestigious works of
art like the Mona Lisa and Madonna of the Rocks. I also want to see the
Louvre Pyramid and the Pyramid Inversee. I’m also particularly
interested in the Renaissance paintings. I’m sure I’d be staring in awe
at these paintings, all of it, and feel it emblazoned in my mind. It’s
amazing how much beauty humankind can create.

Own a library

I’m
a bookworm. If given time, I devour books. I’ve already blogged about
this sometime ago but for a different topic (See the article).
It will give me perfect satisfaction just being able to peruse
different books, which are marks left by civilizations of the past and
present. It’s a time machine of sorts.

Meet and talk with Angelina Jolie

She
is the most interesting celebrity in the whole wide world. She isn’t
shallow like most celebrities. In her character she has depth. She’s
been through a lot and emerged from the ashes of her past mistakes like
a phoenix. She’s the ultimate woman for me.

Get my body in fabulous shape

This
means getting my weight down to 105-110 lbs and working my butt off to
get my booty in bikini-worthy form. When I’ve done that, I wish I’d be
able to meet up everyone who made my life miserable and then tell them,
"you wish you didn’t treat me so bad ‘coz you ain’t gonna get a booty
like this ever!" Shame on them for treating like jug full of lard. They
didn’t see that I’m more than what my body looks like.

Create a highly paid blog

But, of course!  I’m a blog addict, you know

Perform a landmark research study that is revolutionary in the fight against deadly infectious diseases

In
my own way, I want to be able to do something to alleviate the pains in
the world. Infectious diseases are one of them, especially those that
can cause outbreaks.

Visit the Pyramids of Giza

These
structures are just so magical. And just imagine the history in these
structures! It really can make anyone feel so small and rethink of
one’s place in the universe.

Learn how to play guitar

I
hate to admit that, though I’ve owned a guitar once, I never learned
how to play it. Really. My hands are just a bit small for the classic
guitar. I have difficulty learning to play the chords. I just don’t
understand why the smallness of my hands can work in a piano but not on
a guitar. Shame. But I still want to learn how to play. It just looks
so cool being able to carry around a musical instrument and play it
when I want to. Of course, I can’t carry a piano everywhere, you know!

Live in a luxurious residential loft on my own

I don’t like cramped places.  Enough said.

Live in a beachfront house

I’m
not a good swimmer and I never really swim too far from the shore. But
an unlimited view of the ocean appeals to me. And, of course, I’ve
always dreamt of dying floating on waters, with the moon against the
dark, peaceful sky as the last thing I’d see. Just like how Ophelia
must have died.

Meet and talk with Neil Gaiman

I
wouldn’t ask him where he get his ideas. That will certainly irritate
him. All writers will get irritated if asked that question. I just want
to know him some more, how he is in real life. And from the things he
do in real life and the kind of life he lives I might come to
understand how he thought of the stories he wrote.

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…and I didn’t even have to down 21 drinks for it.  Thanks for the donations, my friends!

In my 26 earth-years of life, I’ve had four serious romantic
relationships. Of the four, perhaps the last two took the greatest toll
on my psyche, both having ended due to infidelity on the guy’s part. In
those two relationships, I have invested much and along the way, even
thought that the relationship would last. But, of course, my
commitment, love, and faithfulness weren’t enough to keep those
relationships intact. And both guys have disregarded what I’ve given.

But can I really blame them that I’ve given so much?

As
a male friend of mine said before, I couldn’t really blame these guys
because they didn’t ask me to give them my all. Or so they think.
That’s how all guys think. They say less but implied words to make
girls do what they want. And when girls have done these, guys would
just retreat and claim they never said or asked such things. Cowards.

Being tired from back-to-back cheating boyfriends, I’ve decided to give myself a much needed vacation.

I want to become a "Plant".

(So,
what is a "Plant"? How does one become a "Plant"? What reasons could
there be for being a "Plant"? I will answer these questions in my next
post. I’m feeling kind of tired already…)

Starbucks promo card update: 14 stickers
Target date:  before December 1, 2006

It’s
hard adjusting to a single person’s life, after having spent most of
the last 4 years being in relationships. It’s like wearing new leather
shoes and you get blisters on your feet even after walking short
distances only. Even during shopping. And the damn blisters make your
usual pleasurable activities so unpleasant. Though I do these activites
(hanging out at coffee shops, watching movies, malling, etcetera) by
myself when I was still in a relationship, it felt different doing it
now that I’m out of it. Like a toddler trying to make his first steps
and the furnitures on which the toddler can cling to are the
relationships that I’ve been into. I’m used to having these furnitures,
daring more to take my baby steps because I know there’s something that
I could cling on or something that will make the fall less hard. But
right now, it’s just me, no more furnitures around to brace my fall or
to hold me brave the unknown. The newfound freedom can be quite
unsettling.

One advantage, though, of being out of a romantic
relationship is that there’s no one to get mad (except for my folks) if
I stay out too late at night with friends during gimmicks or inquire
every hour if I’m about to get home, who I’m with, etcetera.
Unfortunately, I’m already done with this phase in my life when I crave
to go out every night on gimmicks. Right now, the only reasons I
usually stay out late at night are gym and bookhunting. There may be
occasional late night drinking sprees or eating-out nights but those
have become rare nowadays.

So how do I plan to survive this
postrelationship blues? Going to the gym, as often as possible. And
carefully monitoring my food intake. And blogging, And occasional
worrying about a test score that hasn’t come by mail yet. These things
I allow to preoccupy my mind. No use thinking about the hows and the
whys of my last bf’s infidelity or the cowardice of my gay ex-beau and
why he wouldn’t want to be friends again. It will just make the world
bluer than it is. And I have to learn to live without them. They’re
definitely hard to forget, hard to erase from memory (Memory is both a
blessing and a curse). But, at least, I’ll try to numb myself whenever
I see a plane whizzing past by on the sky or whenever I hear Josh
Groban on MTV. They cannot make me happy.

But my gym and all the
consequences of treating it as my second home can make me happy. And,
yeah, the Starbucks planner too. And blogging. All of these can take my
mind away from hurtful beings.

And so, the pursuit for planthood begins.

..welcome me back to the singles’ world again, guys!

But after a back-to-back cheating boyfriends (a gay, spineless coward who still couldn’t show up his face to me and a smooth-talking filth), I guess I’ll have a rest muna.

It’s time to be thinking of myself before others who aren’t worthy at all.

Please visit my official blog, Prudence and Madness.

Friendster blogs are getting boring.