Prudence I Write

The journey through life is like trekking an unknown, uncharted part of
the Woods. You just can’t seem to find a way around it and the
frightening part is it’s the only way out.

But like any other
experiences we had, either those that just breezed past us or were
dearly paid for, the trek to the unknown is consummable knowledge. We
use it for future encounters. We use it as battle scars to be shown
with pride to future generations who might care to learn. We use it to
keep us sane amidst the confusion of trying to live. However, you try
to see it, in the things we do and in those that come as results of our
own actions, we learn. No shortcuts to glory.

And as one who
face the threat of a looming, dangerous adventure such as the unknown
Woods, I did feel frightened, uncertain, insecure, and a bit hopeful
when I faced 2006. And as I’ve gone through it, I think I’ve harvested
enough lessons that can help me last another year of trials, triumphs,
and failures.

So, here are my lessons learned in 2006:

1)  Experience is True Knowledge
I had only few moonlighting duties under my belt when January 2006
came. I was full of uncertainties and insecurities. Though people said
clerkship is glimpse of what real medical practice is, in reality,
nothing can really prepare you for it. The important things is one has
to trust one’s self, one’s knowledge and intuitions because nobody else
will be there to make those decisions for you, which most often are
decisions that could mean life or death.

2)  Money earned gives a sense of self-worth
Since
last January, I was able to buy my Motorola E1 ROKR phone and a bunch
of other personal things (mostly clothes, books, shoes, makeup) and
spent on gimmicks with my own money. Not the dough I get from my
parents. And these money I earned through "moonlighting". My monetary
capacity to spend is nowhere near that of other people my age, who had
begun careers in the corporate world, but one has to be thankful for
small blessings. At least, I’m beginning to see the fruits of my labor
and understand how valuable money is. But, of course, my skill is
really worth more than these. Hopefully this year there will be
improvement in the financial division of my life.

3) The person you love most hurts you most.
When
JP and I started our relationship, I thought he would be my last and I
vowed that I’d do everything in my power to make it last. I refused all
temptations and I set my mind on just loving him, something I haven’t
fully done in my other relationships. The most hurtful thing, though,
was he didn’t reciprocate these efforts. No I fear that I can’t love
that much again. But as a female friend said, I shouldn’t take it
against myself if people I care for do not give me the respect I well
deserve. Yeah, and I should just quit whining. "I will live my life for
myself and not for anyone else anymore," I promised myself. I may not
be able to extricate justice for what JP did to me because he’s too
much of a coward to face up to me and admit his guilt. But living my
life fully and as I want it is more than revenge; it is my right.

4) Don’t protect your loved one from a well-deserved fury because he just might need to get every bit of it.
The
faggot bitch started bothering me sometime January last year. I’ve
written several posts about it. I don’t have regrets in having
text/message/blog brawl with him. I only regret that, at that time, I
did it to protect my ex. My ex might say he never did ask it from me.
But hell, he have the bad habit of saying one thing and yet doing a
different thing entirely and claim he hasn’t done anything wrong (like
telling me he loves me so much then screwing his fubus behind my back,
and then claiming that he really can’t love me…what kind of bull—-
was that?). He fully deserved the faggot’s fury because it could have
taught him a lot of things he should know by now (because he’s already
28, for goodness’ sake! He should be a mature person by now!). What I
did understand from this mishap was the faggot’s anger. He was squeezed
to the last drop of "usefulness" by my ex. The faggot’s got every right
to be mad.

5) Being left for another man by an ex-bf is worse than being left for another woman.
I
was hurt when my gay ex-beau told me that he cannot love me the way I
wanted him to. Then he went off with his new boyfriend who can satisfy
him in bed. And then I found out from his old friend (and old flame)
that he was still sexually attracted to his other ex-gf but not to me.
Those were insults flung head to foot and are still buzzing irritably
around my head like taunting flies. It’s got to be the most insulting
thing I’ve ever had in life.

6) But being left for another woman hurts still.
I
also thought Mike would be my last. He’s a charming man, financially
stable, and had asked me to be his wife. What else could go wrong?
Nothing, I thought. But I was wrong. Five months in the relationship, I
caught him having another "fiancee". The girl claimed it and he
confirmed it. Then he’s gone with no explanations. It still hurt me.
But in his case, I know he loved me; he just didn’t choose me. In my
gay ex-beau’s case, I don’t know if he really did love me or he just
had me for the sake of saving face.

7) Failures are expensive mistakes but better to have tried than not to have tried at all.
In
the last week of February 2006 I took my USMLE Step 1. And I had to
wait for weeks (5 weeks, to be exact) only to see that, well, I didn’t
make it. It was a horrendous, 800 USD-worth of failure. I felt bad
having to let everyone down. But still, at least, I didn’t have to
torment myself with "what ifs". I just remembered the fortune cookie I
had the night prior to the exam. It said "never give up". I wonder what
that means. I guess I should still go for another try. I just hope
another chance comes up.

People have lost respect for the medical profession
I
thought of writing about this as a separate article. But for this post,
suffice to say that, based on my one year of medical practice, I’ve
come to the conclusion that people regard doctors as either
money-hungry, money-grabbing professionals worth only to be treated
like servants/waiters/waitresses in restaurants where the slogan runs,
"customer is always right (no matter how unreasonable they are)" or an
unfeeling, inhuman creature with no right to receive proper conduct
from people they treat. Or maybe both. But the thing is, people have
lost respect for the medical profession. Even with the nurses and other
health care staff whom they treat as if less than househelp. Just
imagine, if they treat doctors and nurses as if they are mere servants,
shouting at them and talking as if they own their lives and licenses,
how worse can they treat their househelp? One would shudder at that
thought.

9) The mind is humankind’s greatest asset so use it!
Atlas
Shrugged, a novel by Ayn Rand, is perhaps the book that has brought the
greatest change in my outlook in life. I regret that I’ve only come
across it late last year. The book is about "the mind on strike" (Ayn
Rand even said it was her working title while writing this novel before
she decided on "Atlas Shrugged"). Central to the novel’s theme and
Rand’s philosophy is the idea that the mind is the motive power of the
world; hinder it or take it away or leave it at the mercy of the people
who believe they can get what they don’t deserve will lead to world’s
destruction. In life, I have encountered a lot of stupid, senseless
people. Most are the kind too blinded by superstitions and "faith". And
for allowing themselves to be blinded, they have risked their lives and
other people’s lives. Tell them there is an explanation to most
phenomena and they’ll wag their finger on your face and say you’ve
become too proud and only God can tell you true things. And, of course,
how can you argue with such persons who base their conclusions upon the
logically unarguable like the virginity of the mother of God or that
those who do not believe in God will perish in hell? How can you
convince a person to be treated if he believes his sickness is a
punishment/test from God that he should endure humbly, even if it will
bring him to early grave? How can you believe that a group of believers
love their God so much that they are more than willing to take other
people’s lives in their God’s name, calling it holy war? How can you
believe that unity in belief in one God can bring peace when they come
out shoving their beliefs in your face and calling you immoral if you
do not believe in it too? Are we to leave the fate of the whole world
to people like these who could bury themselves crazy in beliefs they
have no way of proving true? Religion is a dangerous, dangerous weapon.
I fear it so much. And with the way people have used religion to cast
much evil in the world today, I fear so much what the future might
bring.

These are the lessons that I’ve harvested as I trekked
through the once unknown, uncharted Woods of the year 2006. I got
through, barely surviving. But looking back, I think I did quite well,
if not for a handful of mistakes. Some will say that one shouldn’t
really look back at these mistakes for there shouldn’t be space for
regrets in one’s life. But, I say, it is one’s duty to look back once
in a while. Only by remembering the experiences we’ve had can we only
be properly armed to explore the future.

So, I begin the year
2007 by taking this oath from Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged: "I swear by my
life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another
man, nor ask another man to live for mine."

So be it.

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